In the months since my last entry, I have been searching... That is in this case a multi-faceted word that is also a gross understatement of my emotions and activities.
Obviously, I have been searching for employment, but not as tenaciously as in the past. Having a job and income have become less important than before. Firstly, there is very little work in this part of Canada for skilled workers let alone someone like myself; which is not to say that I have no skills, but rather that I have no certificates to verify my skills and certificates are very important as we all know. Secondly, jobs are often acquired through political patronage, nepotism, or familial relations. Being from another province, I have few connections here beyond some friends and acquaintances in the political arena, and I’ve come to understand that such jobs often carry a requirement to abandon one’s conscience. Finally, I am at an age now where many employers will overlook me in favour of a younger, more educated person.
Also, I have been searching for direction. For most of my life I have been totally and completely focused upon (some would say consumed by) my desire to be a professional drummer. While this has been accomplished to some degree, the struggle to become successful in the music business is minimal in comparison to the struggle to remain successful. After forty years of struggling in all ways possible, I have decided to re-focus and seek a profession that has greater meaning and less noise pollution. To this end, I am looking to sell my drums and trying my hand at writing. Another area of interest is an online craft store. I’ve had experience in selling hand made goods at craft fairs in the past, but an online store offers a larger market and a clientele who are more interested in my products. My strongest focus however, will be on my Reiki practice, energy Healing and helping others achieve their highest Self. This seems very esoteric and many would believe impossible and/or unrealistic, but I believe it is necessary since people are becoming more and more disconnected from their spiritual selves, and there is a shift in consciousness developing on our planet that will lead to people seeking out those with the skills I now possess.
As many of you already know, I’m still an avid cyclist. A couple of years ago, I bought a Norco Mountaineer, a durable but heavy bike designed for off-road activities. I knew at the time it was not really what I was looking for, but it was the one that best fit my budget. I got a good season and a half out of it and this spring, I bought the road bike I should have had all along. It’s a Devinci Silverstone S1, the top of the line aluminium frame road/racing bike made by Devinci. I’ve only had the chance to get out about 4 times so far this year, but I can already tell that I’m going to love this bike. I've renewed my membership to Velo Cape Breton, and have signed up for an upcoming Can Bike II course to improve my skills even further. This looks to be a great summer of riding!
In the time since I returned to Cape Breton from Fredericton, I have had to face one other fact: I have been broken by all that’s happened since last May. The turmoil and upheaval of leaving Cape Breton and returning to Fredericton where I was born was exciting, but the reality of it was that the job I was going to was not ideal. In my haste to be back with my family, I accepted employment that was really not suitable, and several factors led me to decide in early January to return to Cape Breton, despite what I would be leaving in Fredericton. Once I got here, I avoided facing reality for quite some time. Jack Kornfield refers to this as “our brokenness...” And I realize I have become broken. At one point a few weeks ago, I began to become conscious of this fact, and made a decision to allow myself to be broken until roughly the middle of May when the land around me begins to show new life for the upcoming summer. I determined that if I allow myself to be broken, to not fight it, I would heal better and faster once I began the process. It seems that I’m beginning about three weeks ahead of schedule, but that too is alright.
As I witness the grass growing greener each day, and feel the sun warming our planet, I feel stronger, healthier, and more assured that no matter what “stuff” I encounter, I will always endure. My will to live and persevere is stronger than my despair.
~Still Wandering…
